An Area for Caution!
Throughout Asia, the middle East and much of Africa, men spend time with men and women with women. Women friends walk hand in hand, men friends walk hand in hand. Men greet men with a hug and kiss. Women greet women with a hug and kiss. Or women greet women with a bow, and their own hands placed palms together in front of them. Men do the same. Some of these expressions of friendship may surprise us or seem to communicate something different than friendship. In these cultures, you will rarely see men and women relating as “friends”.
When attending university in the US, international students quickly realize that cultural norms for friendships are very different in the US. They see men and women talking to each other much more. They also see more sexual behavior in public. They may easily come to believe that even Christians are very promiscuous sexually. In general, it is best for women to relate to female international students/scholars and for men to relate to male international students/scholars.
As Americans we can humbly learn a lot from our friends from other cultures about their perceptions regarding friendships and their comfort levels as women and men relate. Because this topic is so sensitive, many internationals will have trouble talking about it, especially to someone of the opposite sex. Until a relationship of trust is built, they may politely say “yes, it is the same for us” when behaviors and expectations are very different. Relating man to man, and woman to woman when one on one is best.
What misconceptions may occur? Here are a few:
When attending university in the US, international students quickly realize that cultural norms for friendships are very different in the US. They see men and women talking to each other much more. They also see more sexual behavior in public. They may easily come to believe that even Christians are very promiscuous sexually. In general, it is best for women to relate to female international students/scholars and for men to relate to male international students/scholars.
As Americans we can humbly learn a lot from our friends from other cultures about their perceptions regarding friendships and their comfort levels as women and men relate. Because this topic is so sensitive, many internationals will have trouble talking about it, especially to someone of the opposite sex. Until a relationship of trust is built, they may politely say “yes, it is the same for us” when behaviors and expectations are very different. Relating man to man, and woman to woman when one on one is best.
What misconceptions may occur? Here are a few:
- The international student can feel he/she is being seen as a potential spouse, not a friend.
- The international student may respond a sexually forward way to something that was meant as friendship.
- The international student may stop interacting, giving other reasons such as not having time because they are confused or afraid.
- The international student may report to university authorities as sexual forwardness a behavior meant as friendship - a hug, being driven home alone, etc.
We easily think: That could never happen! Take time to ponder the real incidences below:
- An American student was talking with an international student one evening after the library closed about classes and other very neutral topics. It was dark. He offered to walk her to her dorm. As they walked he said stop here. He said he wanted to kiss her. She said “no” and turned to walk on. He took her arm. She said “No” again louder. He expressed shock. Then he walked away. They never saw each other again.
- An international student from the Middle East greatly appreciated what a campus pastor had done for him. To show him appreciation he hugged him and began to kiss him first on one cheek and then another. The pastor said “Whoa! I know you are from the Middle East and you do that there, but here in the US, men don’t kiss unless it means something else.”
- A Christian international student had had many friendly conversations with one of his Christian female classmates. He had seen on a TV show that friends, when moving far away, sometimes say goodbye by french kissing. The day before he left he stopped her in the hallway, said he appreciated her friendship, pushed her against the wall and forcibly french kissed her. She was shocked. Afterwards, she told him that what he had done was wrong. He was confused and embarrassed to hear that what he had done was inappropriate.
- A man from Iran wanted to interact with women and men equally as Americans do, but due to his accent, people made assumptions that he would be inappropriate toward women. Thus, women avoided him. He asked an ISM worker if he was being "creepy." He couldn't figure out what he was doing wrong. She now encourages Americans to be cautious, but, once you get to know someone well enough, ask them about their personal boundaries.
God tells us to not allow a hint of immorality among us. He says we should always be looking out for the good of our weaker or more morally sensitive brother or sister. He says we should think about things that are pure, right, excellent and praiseworthy.
The following are helpful reminders:
- Socialize men with men and women with women.
- A married couple may spend time together with either men or women.
- Mixed groups can interact freely, however, if a group of all male internationals are talking together, it is best that one American woman not join that group, and vice versa.
- Most international women would want to sit between two women rather than next to a man. They would prefer joining the hostess in the kitchen rather than chatting with men in the living room. They would prefer to be picked up by a man only if another woman or some children are also in the car.
- When inviting more than one student to your home, know that female students will probably feel more comfortable if only other female students are present, and vice versa (especially for those from Asia, the Middle East and Africa).
- If relating to a married couple, an American man does well to not complement the man’s wife. Although this is normal or polite in American culture, such complements may be seen as flirting and can cause serious misunderstandings.
- Take any suggestion or question related to rides, or seating arrangements from international students very seriously. They may express discomfort very indirectly. If they say, “Mary, do you drive?” This likely means “I was very uncomfortable being picked up by Bob, I really want Mary to drive me home.”
- American women and men do well to dress more conservatively than they would around other Americans: wear longer shorts and skirts, mid length sleeves, less revealing tops.
- Offer completely neutral options which allows the student freedom to choose.
Note: Women over the mid fifties are an exception. They may spend time alone with younger male students. However, older men should never spend time alone with female students.
Think for a bit about how men and women interact in Bible times. Most interactions are men to men, women to women. Almost all that are woman to man other than parent to child or spouse to spouse are portrayed as very unusual or immoral. Adjusting how we interact to be more in line with biblical models of good morals will help our international friends feel comfortable and will allow our relationships to grow.
Our goal, in all things, is to shine as Christ’s lights and not cause offense.
Our goal, in all things, is to shine as Christ’s lights and not cause offense.